This week I have done some thinking about my life now, and what is next for me. I do not have the answer and I do not know when that will come or if it will come. I have a lot of self-doubt about myself and if I have the strength to get it done anything really. Most important do I have the mental strength to fight to be happy. Do not get me wrong I am mentally strong, but sometimes it gets hard to just hang you head out there to dry, and to fail.
Something about me people do not know is that I am not good with confrontation and criticism. Failure is a way for you to learn, and you can only grow from what you do not know.
I appreciate the criticism, but it gets hard to hear how bad you are at something. You can think that you are doing good then, that one person says something to you and that is all you can think about.
That is just something that I need to work on, I try to, but it is hard. That is just a part of life, I guess. Another thing I forgot to say is that I am not writing as much as I did last year. This year I feel as if something is missing, and I just do not know what that is. I have the ideas, but I just cannot seem to find the words. I think I need a writing partner, but I do not know.
Time is money ,and money is time. I have been thinking about something these last couple of weeks. I was wondering what is more important to me, making sure that I am secure, but doing something that I do not like, or struggling for a bit until I am able to do what I love and learning to make it. I do not have the answer yet, but I am leaning towards one way that I think is the best decision for me.
It has been almost a year since I made one of the biggest decisions of my life, but that change within the hour basically because of what is going on with the world. I was so sure and happy that I was about to do something that would change my life, but I had to do something that was secure and guaranteed that I would be okay at least for a while. I think about what could of happen, but I think I am starting to realize that it was for the best.
This week I am really thinking about doing something that I probably should not do, and all my friends and family would say is a crazy decision, but I think I would be okay with that. You only get to live this day once, and tomorrow is not promise to you as we have learn this last year. You have to step out and fall and fall again, you will get back up it might take a while and it might be hard, but you can at least say that you tried it. You get to a point where you get tired of doing and all you want to do is live.
Have there ever been a time where a person lose site of what they want? The reason I am bringing this up again is that I think I am losing faith again. That is not something that is easy for me to say. I had goal what I want to complete by the end of the year, but I am nowhere near or halfway close to completing that. That is not that unusual for people to set goals and wait until the last minute to accomplish it.
This is something that a lot of people tend to do, and that is okay for me to not be done even though it is almost October. I did set a goal, but the most important thing is that I have not given up on my goal. When life throws you unexpected curve balls, that does not mean that you stop working for your goals. It just means it will take you a little bit more time than you expected.
One of the great challenges of life, is that each day you never know what you are going to get. It also could all be over within the blink of an eye. That is something that a lot of people tend to forget about life. It can all be over before you realize it. The most important thing is for you to believe that you can do it, no matter how long it takes in the end it will all be worth it. Rome was not built in a day, and neither what you are working on, just give it time.
Yesterday I was going to try to be happy, but then today came, and that went out the window. I honestly do not know why I am feeling like this. If I am being honest I know what exactly is going on, and I am just too afraid to answer it. I knew I had to be somewhere today, and I spent most of my morning planning for it. Knowing that my whole mood changed. One thing I do know is, that I need to work on me, if you can understand that.
The one thing I have learn since this whole quarantine situation ( even though I have not done it), is that you have to take care of yourself. Now that I am left along with my thoughts more than normally, a lot of things have come to light and have made me question every decision that I, or someone I know have made. The one thing that became clear to me is that I am not living life. I am something that is just here, That is terrifying to think about, yet I am still not doing anything to make it better. The more I am alone with these thoughts make me questions everything. I know what I need to do, but the question is will I do it.
This is just a peak into what I have been dealing with the last few months. Everyone be safe and take care of yourselves.