I tried, but

Yesterday I was going to try to be happy, but then today came, and that went out the window. I honestly do not know why I am feeling like this. If I am being honest I know what exactly is going on, and I am just too afraid to answer it. I knew I had to be somewhere today, and I spent most of my morning planning for it. Knowing that my whole mood changed. One thing I do know is, that I need to work on me, if you can understand that.

The one thing I have learn since this whole quarantine situation ( even though I have not done it), is that you have to take care of yourself. Now that I am left along with my thoughts more than normally, a lot of things have come to light and have made me question every decision that I, or someone I know have made. The one thing that became clear to me is that I am not living life. I am something that is just here, That is terrifying to think about, yet I am still not doing anything to make it better. The more I am alone with these thoughts make me questions everything. I know what I need to do, but the question is will I do it.

This is just a peak into what I have been dealing with the last few months. Everyone be safe and take care of yourselves.

Life

There has been a lot going on in the world now, and I honestly I do not know what to say. I have seen a lot in my 29 years on the earth, some good and some bad. I know people expect me act and say things a certain way because I am black, but to be honest I cannot find the words to say anything. What I have decided to do was to take action, and learn ways in which I can make things better.

I grew up with my mother working for the county jail, and I know how hard she works, but I also know how much harder she has to work because she is black. I also know how hard it is for African Americans with the police. I can honestly say just because he was black. My cousin went missing almost 15 years ago, and till this day we have no clue what happen to him. That’s Alabama

I really do not know what to say except that we need to make a change soon

Poem: Done

How do you know when you are done?

Is it when the job is done?

Or when your heart ache so bad that it simply no longer hurts.

That is something that is hard to tell

There is nothing more to say

Yet you never know how to stop

You move so fast that you never see the light

Home is never a place to rest

It becomes a place of unease nonsense

Then you realize that the work is not done

So, you ask yourself again when you are done

The answer is not an answer that you want

It becomes the one that you accept

Then when you have given it your all

You will begin again

Then you done

Are you

Change and time

How do you get over missing something that you never knew that you missed. The last couple of days, weeks, months, and years you will learn that it is not easy being alone. I really don’t know what to say right now, I just feel like I need to say something. I have a feeling that things are about to get worse, and I don’t know how to feel or adjust. That is something that a lot of people are feeling right now, but you have to learn how to get over it and move differently.

I don’t know what to really say or write now, but it is time to do everything that you want to do, and you have no reason not to. Your time is now and the door is open it is up to you to walk in or let it close. Make sure you chose wisely.

Figuring it out

How long should it take a person to figure something out? The question I am trying to ask is how long should it take a person to figure out life. That is a question that really can’t be answered. It’s a great question to ask, but to be honest it is something that is quite hard to narrow down. This seems like an odd time to be asking this question with everything going on, but right before all of this happen I thought I had everything figured out, turns out now I’m not sure.

When we all were younger we dreamed of being an adult, but little did we know there was a lot more work for us ahead. I was in college for almost 10 years and I have two bachelors degrees to show for it, but still I am not sure have it figured out what I want, or need in my life to be successful. That is not to say just because I graduated from college that I should have my life figured out by now, but as you get older things change for you.

I used to think that I maybe become a doctor one day, but I grew out of that. I also thought that I would be involved with music because of my background ( I played trumpet in my high school band.) Then I thought maybe I would be lawyer, but I wasn’t sure I could handle that. That was something that always stood next to me, but I was not ready, and I let other people around me influence me. I chose to study political science. I am not saying that I am about to go to law school or anything; all I am saying it takes time to figure things out, and sometimes life shows you other wise.

The thing what I am trying to get across is that just because you think you have your life figure out, something maybe come along and change your whole perspective, it could be for the good or the bad it just depends on how you see it not how anyone else would see it. Take it day by day and in the end, you will know what is the right thing for you. It’s okay to not have it figured out yet most people are still searching.

 

 

 

I wrote this on my phone in one take. If something is wrong I’m sorry.