Well since my last post, I feel as if things have not gotten better, but worse. I know that is hard to say, but lately I am starting to feeling what is actually good enough? I do not know, the only thing that i keep coming back to is that I am not good enough. I know that is something that I should not say, but as time goes on it starts ringing true. As I get older I am starting to become more aware of my surroundings, and the people that are always there. I am starting to realize, this could not be true, but then again more and more do not care. They only say they do to cover for themselves, but if you look deep down you just can feel it. That is all around from friends to family.
The question that I have when will I be able to feel as if they do, or better do they even care? I am a quiet person I do not like to ask for help on anything. I just like to do it on my own. The last few months have been rough and I am trying by best to hang on, but how much is too much.
How long should it take a person to figure something out? The question I am trying to ask is how long should it take a person to figure out life. That is a question that really can’t be answered. It’s a great question to ask, but to be honest it is something that is quite hard to narrow down. This seems like an odd time to be asking this question with everything going on, but right before all of this happen I thought I had everything figured out, turns out now I’m not sure.
When we all were younger we dreamed of being an adult, but little did we know there was a lot more work for us ahead. I was in college for almost 10 years and I have two bachelors degrees to show for it, but still I am not sure have it figured out what I want, or need in my life to be successful. That is not to say just because I graduated from college that I should have my life figured out by now, but as you get older things change for you.
I used to think that I maybe become a doctor one day, but I grew out of that. I also thought that I would be involved with music because of my background ( I played trumpet in my high school band.) Then I thought maybe I would be lawyer, but I wasn’t sure I could handle that. That was something that always stood next to me, but I was not ready, and I let other people around me influence me. I chose to study political science. I am not saying that I am about to go to law school or anything; all I am saying it takes time to figure things out, and sometimes life shows you other wise.
The thing what I am trying to get across is that just because you think you have your life figure out, something maybe come along and change your whole perspective, it could be for the good or the bad it just depends on how you see it not how anyone else would see it. Take it day by day and in the end, you will know what is the right thing for you. It’s okay to not have it figured out yet most people are still searching.
I wrote this on my phone in one take. If something is wrong I’m sorry.
I am terrified to stay
I am terrified to go
I am terrified to walk
I am terrified to run
I am terrified when you lose
I am terrified that you won
I am terrified that I have to wait another day
I am terrified that your day has come
I am terrified that life is here and love is gone
I am terrified that you and I will never be one
Today I did something I never though that I would do. I walked away; though this was not by choice, I finally had enough strength to put myself first. This was not something that was done lightly this is something that I have though about for the last couple of months, but to be honest I had to do it. There are some life changes that are about o happen and I have to make some tough decisions. Will these decisions hurt people? Yes, but I have to do what I have.
This moment I was brave, not by choice, but by force. I am at a point in life where I can no longer be scared. I have to do what is best for me, and my well being. Do i know what will happen tomorrow? No, but am I afraid 100% yes. I am not sure what exactly I am going to do next. This is the beauty about life you never know what the next day will hold, but you can make it one that you will be proud of.
You have to learn how to believe in yourself, because if you don’t you can’t expect someone else to believe in you. The next couple of days will test you from your faith to your will to survive. This is challenge that I am willing to take, but the result is one I am uncertain of.
The last couple of days have been a lot of self though and figure out worth. That could mean a lot of things for people. I was trying to figure out what I was doing, and is it worth every thing that has been going on in my mind, and trying to care. There are times where we tend to care more about others than we do for ourselves. That is a dangerous situation to be in, the ending is never good.
I have learn over the years that I do not know how to care for myself that well. When I say care I mean my mind and soul. I do not care for them well. I tend to think that over time they will be okay, but in reality you have nurture them because over time they will start to deteriorate. Your mind and spirit are like any muscle that you want to get better. You have to work on in constantly, but don’t go overboard with it. Growing up I remember always hearing that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. That is true, you have to take care of it.
I have always said life is not easy, and if it was easy it won’t be worth living. There will come times where you will think that you do not have the strength to do it, no matter what it is, but you have to push through it no matter what. It will be hard, but you have to look at the bigger picture. You think that you have to do this and that, but deep down you know that something is not right, that is you mind telling you to stop and listen to me. I am trying to tell you something.
You have to take care of yourself, and cannot let a job, friend, or thing ruin your peace of mind. You are know good for anybody if you are not good to yourself first. Learn how to love yourself, how to treat yourself, and most important how to care of yourself.