Yesterday I was going to try to be happy, but then today came, and that went out the window. I honestly do not know why I am feeling like this. If I am being honest I know what exactly is going on, and I am just too afraid to answer it. I knew I had to be somewhere today, and I spent most of my morning planning for it. Knowing that my whole mood changed. One thing I do know is, that I need to work on me, if you can understand that.
The one thing I have learn since this whole quarantine situation ( even though I have not done it), is that you have to take care of yourself. Now that I am left along with my thoughts more than normally, a lot of things have come to light and have made me question every decision that I, or someone I know have made. The one thing that became clear to me is that I am not living life. I am something that is just here, That is terrifying to think about, yet I am still not doing anything to make it better. The more I am alone with these thoughts make me questions everything. I know what I need to do, but the question is will I do it.
This is just a peak into what I have been dealing with the last few months. Everyone be safe and take care of yourselves.
What is it like to have fun? I honestly do not know if I must say so. The last time that I actually had fun would have to be almost three years ago. This is year has been really hard in more ways than one, and everyday it seems to get harder. There seems as if the end is no where in site. I just want to have a day where I am just chilling with my family like we used to, but I learned that it will never happen like that again.
When I go home it just does not feel the same. The vibe is just completely different. Nothing feels the same. It starts with people, then the environment. There is always places that I used to go to that I cannot go to anymore, for either it is not there, or the person is dead. I just wish everything can go back to normal. The one thing I learn about life is nothing will ever be normal as we get older that is apart of life. That is the sacrifice we all have to learn to make.
Another thing tennis is back!!!!! I cannot wait.
How do you know when you are ready? Ready to move, to go, to travel, to love, or even to live. Its not something that comes to you automatically. It is something that you have to constantly work on and way the decisions whether they are good or bad. At least, that is what I do. I am trying to figure out way to make things easier to decided. It always seems as if I take the long way around. Now that is August I feel a little more anxious than normal. I do not know what it is, but I am feeling as if something is not right. This happens all the time to me, but this time is different.
I am also writing more my topics are not always good, but I am trying that is at least a start. I don’t really have much to say so this is just something simple. Topics are not easy.
This past week I found myself giving an little education about where I am from. I am originally from Orrville, Alabama. It is a small little town in Dallas county, about 15 minutes outside of Selma. Selma, Alabama which is know for it racism during the civil right movements, in my opinion has not change that much. Granted, I have never really asked anybody what it was like then, but from my observation nothing seems to have change that much. Everything is just now done in silence.
When I think about my hometown, I think about a couple of things. The first thing that I think about are the people. They are some of the reason that I am the person I am today. You can never find anybody without a backstory that is compelling, yet complicated. I learn some of my greatest life lesson from sitting around my grandmother porch listing to their stories that they would tell. I never in my life, even this day have I been around a group of individuals that did not have show compassion to everyone that they came across. No need for me to lie and say that everyone was an angel, but there are some individuals that were not good. For almost every 10 good people you met there were about 2 bad ones also. It is great place to grow up in, or visit.
Recently I was presented with a new opportunity for something that I have been wanting for so long, and just like last time I am terrified to take it. This time though I actually have the door open, and all I have to do is walk through the door, but that for some reason is hard to do. This happens to me almost every time, but this time I am farther along then I normally am. I honestly do not know why I am like this, it is as if I do not believe in myself as I should.
As I was stating in my last post that I started writing my first screenplay, but I have not written anything for it in the last two weeks. Life has been going yet, I am doubting weather or not that I actually can do. I think it is because I have gotten so used to rejection that I do not know how to take acceptance.
I really do not know what to do, but hopefully I will figure it out soon.