Still trying to get happy

Today was interesting. That is best thing I can say now, but it was not all good. The last couple of months a lot has change for me. I quit my job at the end of April, without a backup plan. It was one of the scariest things that I have done, but it was also freeing. I had attempted to leave it last year, but then covid happen and I stayed. That turned out to be the best thing for me at that time. I learn so much and I glad I stayed.

Having that job was complicated to me, and I am still trying to process everything that went along with it. That was the very first job that I had. I worked my way up from the bottom to the top. I started out as a crew member then I became manager. That was something that I never thought would happen with me, and I am grateful that it did in some ways. I do not want to fully talk about that now there is still a lot for me to process with that job.

One thing that I did learn when I finally got the strength to trust my gut and trust me and walk away it was nice. It showed me what I wanted out of life and what I would no longer would accept. I just want to be happy and if that means being broke and having nothing then I am fine with that.

My end goal for the rest of my life is to just be happy, and not do anything that makes you regret any and everything with you. Now on from this moment I am going to focus on getting myself happy. I do not know what that will be, but I sure do know what it is not. That is my advice to you, make sure whatever you are doing that is making you happy. No matter what it is if you are not happy then what is the point.

Poem: Life’s Test

What did I do?

I thought I was going right, now somehow, I have gone left.

This was not the plan; this is not me.

I miss the old me the one that was hurt and confused.

The one that knew how to win, but always lose.

I jump and I landed, but it still seems as if I missed.

My better choice has left me more broken then heal.

The stress is gone, but the pain still leaves on.

Is this me?

Is this life I am living?

Why do I lose even when I win?

The chance to thrive has left me heartbroken inside.

There is no more for me to do, I am lost, and I truly do not know what to do.

The hope for better, has caused me pain for what I miss.

I guess the test is pass, and now how can I still miss.

Better is not always right, sometimes being hurt is what gives you your meaning of life.

Life has no meaning without just being.

Poem: Try to go

This not a storm that I want to battle.

It is one that I need to survive.

The challenges have gotten harder, and my loves have gone.

I do not know where to begin, but I do know where to end.

I want to be me.

The path to being free is full of bumps that you must take.

That is not my case.

My scars never heal.

I urge to belong in something that I no longer can call home.

This is where the secrets lie, and where the bodies have decayed.

My feet move, but my body just lays.

Why me is a question I can no longer ask.

Is this where I must parish, and fight to call it home?

This is only round 1.