Working

This week I have done some thinking about my life now, and what is next for me. I do not have the answer and I do not know when that will come or if it will come. I have a lot of self-doubt about myself and if I have the strength to get it done anything really. Most important do I have the mental strength to fight to be happy. Do not get me wrong I am mentally strong, but sometimes it gets hard to just hang you head out there to dry, and to fail.

Something about me people do not know is that I am not good with confrontation and criticism. Failure is a way for you to learn, and you can only grow from what you do not know.

I appreciate the criticism, but it gets hard to hear how bad you are at something. You can think that you are doing good then, that one person says something to you and that is all you can think about.  

That is just something that I need to work on, I try to, but it is hard. That is just a part of life, I guess. Another thing I forgot to say is that I am not writing as much as I did last year. This year I feel as if something is missing, and I just do not know what that is. I have the ideas, but I just cannot seem to find the words. I think I need a writing partner, but I do not know.

Poem: Forgive

The sun is out today.

The sun was out yesterday but was not as bright.

I hope it comes out tomorrow, so maybe I can see it.

I remember the last time you saw the sun.

It was only for a second, but it seemed as if it lasted for hours.

I remember the tears, that ran down your face.

The hurt I caused that made you that way.

I never said I was sorry.

I just let the pain sit on the depths of your heart.

Instead of trying to heal it, I only stirred the pot.

Do I feel sorry, yes, will I apologize no.

I know I should, but my heart is hurt too.

My pain is ignored because yours is worst.

Pain is pain and neither one of us did the right thing.

We both had the knife, and the only difference is you stuck first.

I just went a little deeper.

That is what made us.

This is also what broke us.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel different, but now I just cannot say I am sorry.

Poem: Alone

There is something happening, and I do not know what it is.

The things that used to surround me are slipping away.

The trees are no longer listening.

The wind has stop singing.

I have nothing.

I do not know what I did wrong.

My life used to be okay, and sometimes great.

Now it is just grey.

My friends are no longer here, and my family I let disappear.

I always wanted to be alone.

Now that I am, all I want to do is just go home.

I said I would never come back, now my heart is making me want it.

The love never used to be there, but the silence of being alone is frighting.

I am slowing turning into the person I once feared.

I cannot say their name because it will ring true to death ears.

To be alone does not mean you are lonely.

I am both, and that is not where I want to be.

I need to be free, yet all I want to be is alone and lonely.

Poem: Change

Nothing is the same anymore.

When I look around, I see everything that I remember.

Then when I look at the mirror, I no longer see me.

Yes, I am there, but my spirt is no longer.

My hope for today, my love for yesterday, and my wonder for tomorrow is no longer.

Something has change, yet I do not know what happen.

I used to wake up everyday with a plan, no I wake up no longer thank about my future.

Why is that?

I no longer think that I have one, my world has change, but I have not change with it.

I hold onto the past, secretly hoping that I could go back.

That cannot be, but I wish it could.