How Much?

Well since my last post, I feel as if things have not gotten better, but worse. I know that is hard to say, but lately I am starting to feeling what is actually good enough? I do not know, the only thing that i keep coming back to is that I am not good enough. I know that is something that I should not say, but as time goes on it starts ringing true. As I get older I am starting to become more aware of my surroundings, and the people that are always there. I am starting to realize, this could not be true, but then again more and more do not care. They only say they do to cover for themselves, but if you look deep down you just can feel it. That is all around from friends to family.

The question that I have when will I be able to feel as if they do, or better do they even care? I am a quiet person I do not like to ask for help on anything. I just like to do it on my own. The last few months have been rough and I am trying by best to hang on, but how much is too much.

Lost

These last few have been a little crazy for me. I have been trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Lately I feel that I let things slip away, and I am not sure that was smart. I have also been sick. I just have a cold it is nothing to worry about. I have just been lost the last couple of weeks. I keep saying that I want things to change, but I am always holding back. I am saying one thing and doing another. I do not know how to move forward.

This is a weird time for everyone right now, and I know there are more than to worry about at the moment, but it seems as if nothing is going right for me. This is how a lot of people are feeling at the moment. I am no different then them. I’m just saying things come and go, but you have to be willing to deal with it. I believe that better days are coming for me, but right now I am not sure. You just got to believe.

Poem: I Wish

The day you left I cried .

The day you came back I wish you had died.

You were my reasoning,

Then you became my being.

It seems as if we were one,

Then you went away,

And I became me.

Our souls are forever attached,

Yet my heart breaks every time I see your face.

I love you so,

But right now, I wish you would go.

I just do not know.

Even though you need me more,

Sometimes I wish you that you do not need me anymore.

This is wrong to say

Because I love so.

Just like the sun the needs the sky,

And the clouds need the rain.

We will forever be one,

But I really wish you would go.  

Poem: Perspective

Another day in which I look to you

Not for advice ,

Not for love,

But for perspective

To grow, to love, and to be happy

Then I look at me,

All I see is

The Pain, the sorrow, and the sadness

I do not have the blues,

I have the uncertain of today

And the worries of tomorrow.

Then when I look back at you

I see the joy for today

And the hope for tomorrow

Two people in same world

Looking at life with two different perspective

Chasing the dream , the hope, the joy, and the worry of tomorrow.

I tried, but

Yesterday I was going to try to be happy, but then today came, and that went out the window. I honestly do not know why I am feeling like this. If I am being honest I know what exactly is going on, and I am just too afraid to answer it. I knew I had to be somewhere today, and I spent most of my morning planning for it. Knowing that my whole mood changed. One thing I do know is, that I need to work on me, if you can understand that.

The one thing I have learn since this whole quarantine situation ( even though I have not done it), is that you have to take care of yourself. Now that I am left along with my thoughts more than normally, a lot of things have come to light and have made me question every decision that I, or someone I know have made. The one thing that became clear to me is that I am not living life. I am something that is just here, That is terrifying to think about, yet I am still not doing anything to make it better. The more I am alone with these thoughts make me questions everything. I know what I need to do, but the question is will I do it.

This is just a peak into what I have been dealing with the last few months. Everyone be safe and take care of yourselves.